Java – Stellenbosch

It being a rainy, lazy and dismal sunday we decided to spend our evening at Java in Stellenbosch.

Let’s keep this brief as I don’t believe they should be given enough time…

The burger is priced at R29, which is fairly cheap if you take things into consideration. So one shouldn’t be expected to be presented with something earth shattering. Well, I can deal with not having an earth shattering burger, but to be presented with a re-heated, pre-fabricated chunk of whatchamacallit is a serious no-no to anyone serious about their burger consumption. For some strange reason many places decided to present their customers with Mr Chip chips, you know, the kind that arrives in that ‘bakkie’ with the haunting Mr Chip on the side. I dunno, something about a potato with a personality gives me the creeps. I have stumbled across one myself, but that was when I found the missing potato in the back of our cupboard. It was doing the “I’m a little green alien, watch me spout” act. Mildly entertaining, then it became boring.

Java has always been a place that serves a good cup of atmosphere. They have a great double-thick horlicks and honey milkshake and probably the best people watching space in Stellenbosch (apart from Cafe G.O.1). But that doesn’t pay the rent, and unfortunately they have had to dabble in selling something that gets passed off as food.

The waitress was fairly pleasant, we know her personally so no gripes there. Short, sharp and to the point. No hassling around with pleasantries, except some comments from my side on her recent performance in a play. “Two java burgers please” came the order. And swiftly she was off. After some banter our plates arrived. Perched on half of the fairly good roll, some mauled lettuce and a tomato slice. On the other half, a patty covered in something that had the texture of ox-blood (this coming from a regular ox-slaughterer). Slightly to the side, westward I believe, there was generous heaping of thin chips filled with air, and interspersed with more air. Oh, and some onion rings. In batter.

At first glance nothing noticeably wrong with anything. The sauce (unasked for, and unwanted) cleverly hides the perfectly round, perfectly flat patty that was to be my eternal pet hate. I do not want to eat a pre-fabricated patty. Should I want to do this I can go to Mcdonalds, Steers or any other fast food joint. I can even go to Checkers and buy a similar patty and make it myself. I do not want to eat that though, I want a beef patty that says, “I am beef, hear me Moo”. I do not want emulsifiers, pacifiers, preservatives or any of the other ridiculous chemicals and what-not that is included in pre-fab pattys. Most places can get past me by maybe just mulling the corners around a bit, maybe scrunching the patty up a bit, making it look less homogenous. Java did not even attempt this. It is a burger that is flat, perfectly round and without any character. It does not want my attention. In fact, I probably would not have noticed that it was peering at me if I was not hungry, or if I hadn’t need space for my elbows, which meant I needed to finish the damned thing so they could take my plate away, making space for the body part.

That deals with the burger/patty/frisbee. Java has never been known for its frittes. Today they had not planned on changing anything, except a slight chemical imbalance in my stomach. The chips are Mr Chip chips. Which is fine -maybe- and excusable -to some extent- when you are hungry and when the place is not one of the busiest places in Stellenbosch (ok, there is an argument to be made here, I know). In this case I felt short-changed. Even though I knew that this was what I was going to get, I still felt dissapointed. What strikes me as odd is that I do not recall having such a bad burger experience at Java before. If memory serves me correctly (which hasn’t been a reliable statement lately), previous burgers were of a good nature, slightly solid patty, still mediocre chips. It could have to do with the burger being camera shy, as this was the first time that it was asked to pose. Perhaps the demi-gods of Stellenbosch cuisine had decided that I shall not be on the receiving end of their good faith and I shall be ill-fated and condemned into munching down on chemicals and breadcrumbs, with the odd bite of fresh air just for good measure.

Java is still one of my favourite places to visit though. It has a great atmosphere and for an after-cycle coffee, nothing beats it. The owner has been known to be a bit of an idiot, some friends have had run-ins with him that ended up in him saying “Well, leave. Look how busy it is, I don’t need your business.” That sucks a bit. On the other hand, I’ve had friends who have had pleasant run-ins with the waitresses that ended up in her saying “Well, I’ll leave, but my number is 0824546352.” So it goes both ways. My advice would be to stay away from their burgers. I’ve had a pleasant experience with a pasta before, and the Thai chicken salad always treats me nicely.

All in all, a 4 out of 10, and that’s only for atmosphere.
And that isn’t her real number, so don’t bother.

-Uno De Waal

Arnold’s, lets not beat around the bush.

After the Argentina v Germany match, in which Argentina performed dismally in the penalty shootout, Germany took the game and are headed to the semi’s. As an Argentinean supporter for that specific clash, I was heartbroken that they lost. Even though it probably was because they had to use their reserve goalie who had only had 4 international caps behind his name on arrival at the box. So, as it would seem clear at that point, the obvious thing to do would be to devour something nice, something filling, something, something. A burger! What better way to grieve over the disappointment of the Argentinean side. We were watching the game at the Cape Milner. I was told that down the road, a place called Arnold’s, serves a great burger. Not a gourmet burger, just a burger. PERFECT! We hit the street and made way to Arnold’s.

We arrived, we were hungry, we were in the mood for a burger, we knew what we wanted!
The waiter came to the table and we promptly ordered 4 plain burgers. Remember, it is not a gourmet burger restaurant, hence we did not expect gourmet burgers. They are BURGERS, not huge, not tiny, they are, however, delicious. Imagine this: Sunday afternoon, couple of friends, beer (a good couple of course), hunger, rugby. What could better compliment this than a good ol’ fashioned home made burger. Lettuce, tomato, 400g beef patty! Fat Albert’s only has 200g AND THEY DARE CALL IT ‘FAT’. The taste that comes to mind when imagining this scenario is, may I say, fantastic? Exactly! Arnold’s served a fantastic non-gourmet burger. They aren’t pretentious, they don’t try to be la-di-da.

Moving on now, the burgers arrived and they were presented, well, they were presented on a plate. A white plate. It was good enough for a non-gourmet burger. They came with scrumptious deep-fried potato wedges. Speaking of which, upon it’s arrival the manager spotted that we did not have enough on our plate and that he would get us some more. Unfortunately he did not do so, it seemed to have slipped his mind, which is maybe a -1 on my scale. Nonetheless it was good.
Bite after bite we could not believe the value for money, for R30-00 we had received a deliciously made, home-made style burger which was fat in size and great in taste! The wedges were limited but as I previously mentioned, there was an attempt to better that situation. The attempt however, failed.

Needless to say, my experience at Arnold’s was of a pleasant nature. I have had better burgers, don’t get me wrong, but then it was at a place that claims to serve gourmet burgers, in which case I’d expect better. At Arnold’s however, it was value for money, sheer value for money! We even received a free bottle of wine because were a table of 2 or more. I have no comment with regards to the wine.

All and all, I would give Arnold’s a 7 out 10 rating. Mainly because of the value for money aspect. The atmosphere definitely helped achieve that ranking.

-S

Technorati Tags: Arnold’s, Burgers, Cape Town, Non-Gourmet, Restaurants, Table Mountain

Fat Alberts Burger Review

Ok, seeing as the other team is taking their time posting anything about our previous burger experience, I’ll step in. Myself and two other friends were sitting at Vida and contemplating things such as life, the universe and good coffee. Naturally the discussion would then veer towards good food as well, something that the universe and life is based on. We started talking about the review site, and the current plan of reviewing burgers, the series supposedly known as the Burger-Off (which is meant to be pronounced Bugger-Off if I get my way). There had still been many a place that we had not yet visited, which meant we should probably start getting going. We promptly got up and left our seats, missioning on down Long street (yes, much to K’s dismay we decided on walking, you get a much better view of city, and it was something that I hadn’t done in quite a while.) We found ourself here:

None other than Fat Alberts. Fat Alberts was suggested by S as a new place to check out. They, apparently, have gourmet burgers and a good selection of wine. While we didn’t entertain the thought of wine at this occasion, maybe next time we stumble in we’ll give the winelist a shot. The menu was somewhat a bit devoid of options I feel. They had the standard burgers, a few with cheese (one even called a Royale.. bad move, you don’t want to remind customers of other people’s burgers), some bacon here and there. Nothing too fancy about that. What suprised me was that they had a duck burger and one or two other exotic items on the menu. This is where things sort of started going a bit pearshaped. A burger is a burger is a burger. As soon as you deviate from the buns and patty, it no longer becomes a burger. It falls into a new category, but a bun and some leaves featuring a duck patty doeth not make a burger. Maybe this was there attempt at “gourmet” burger.

Me liking spicy food, ordered the Mexican/spicy burger, S ordered a plain with fresh avo and no basting (He’s a purist remember) and K ordered a plain chicken burger. I like that they give you a choice of 3 different buns, even though I wouldn’t suggest having a rye bun. I mean seriously now, why? Once again, refer to the previous mentioned part of what a burger should be. And then the food arrives!

Presentation was very good. I love the square black plates and the entire composition of the plate is well balanced. The portions of chips and wedges are also very generous. So then comes the first bite… The first thing that strikes you is that they haven’t fried the onions that they’ve made the patties with. It gives it a slightly tinged taste, and on taking a second bite I recalled what the patty tasted like… I have an idea that the basting has something to do with this as well… At every cycling race, and every hockey match I’ve been to there have always been those small Oom Salie se Burgers foodstalls. This was a patty straight from that book. Don’t take me wrong, I like those patties, but not when I’m paying R45 for it! Or when I expect something brilliant. This just made it taste cheap. I could taste some Spur in there as well. Ugh. The chilli-quacamole that come with had a great taste to it. I do think that this probably saved the burger from being a complete disaster. The foilage accompanying added some value, but could perhaps have been done without. On to the chips, or the Mr Chips. Wind filled bags of air. Absolutely shocking! I can’t believe a place that puts itself to be gourmet would even THINK of buying pre-cut chips. The wedges were a nice size and well cooked. The spicing on them was great as well. The condiments were a bit of a waste, and seemingly cheap as well. On the left, Sweet Chilli, middle, something resembling mayo, right, tomato.

The mayo was a serious disappointment. When it originally came out of the bottle I thought it to be sour cream as it had the same consistency. But nope, that’s some very

bad rendition of mayo.

Finito!

Atmosphere I could recommend Fat Alberts as a nice environment to be in. When we arrived we had the option of sitting streetside, in the main section or the courtyard in the back. Each area looking quite inviting. We decided to sit street front as Short Market is quite buzzing that time of the day. The waiters were very friendly, maybe lacking a bit of personality, but that’s something that some people like and others don’t. When we wanted to order a second round of drinks they told us that they had run out of Coke. What kind of restaurant runs out of Coke? How does this happen? Would I go there again? No I doubt it. It was a nice experience, but nothing great. There are much better environments to be in, where you also end up paying R45 for a burger, but it has a much higher quality. There isn’t that much to take away from it. Except that it really wasn’t awe inspiring. The fact they they call themselves a gourmet burger restaurant might need to take some review… There wasn’t that much gourmet behind their burgers. A good gourmet restaurant has gourmet burgers as their main menu list, not as a secondary listing (under the “Extra specials”).

A 6 out of 10.

Altitude, only from drinks.

Late night, talking to strangers, meeting new people, fighting with the ol’ ball and chain, drinking cheaply from your friends bar-tab, playing foosball without seeing the ball. The night nears it’s culminating point and renders you ever-so-restful and mildly inebriated. Burger-pies become a quest and the quest becomes unaccomplished. You settle for a pepper-steak pie and a lengthy conversation in the back seat of a 1995 c-class mercedes benz. The night, instead of culminating, ends quickly. The culminating point was unfortunately only a dream and never materialised. However, the night was large and requires lots of sleep.

Nine hours later and a rather alien feel in your head. It feels like you have been raped by a lightning bolt and the only option is to turn around with your head squashed into your pillow and try to compile memories of the Orgy, o wait! The culminating point was only a dream, I meant, you try to compile memories of your journey to intoxication.

Once regaining the ability to walk, and feel, you suddenly have the urge to devour your best friends leg, imagining a mushroom sauce and potato wedges accompanying the “meal”. You settle for a burger at, Altitude, Stellenbosch.

I have portrayed the mood I was in before ordering my burger from Altitude.

Now, lets get something straight. Burgers are not supposed to be fast food and are not supposed to be viewed as junk food unless you are ordering from a fast food franchise. If a Restaurant claims to have good burgers and are willing to punt them, regardless of the effect it might have on their image, they better make sure it is damn good.
For some reason, many restaurants really think that if you throw potato wedges and slap on a fancy piece of bread, that it would redeem the status of a gourmet burger. This is not the case!!

Let me get to the point and critically detail my experience at altitude, whilst expecting a good burger and seriously in dire need of one.

So, upon arrival I thought “not bad”, the newly extended bar-front with a view overlooking the street was genuinely appealing and is a great place to have a cocktail. It provides for serious people-watching and a relaxing mindset overwhelmed by enormous oak-trees. Cars and bikes buzzing past and students walking. My circumstances called for a coffee, a cafe latte to be precise, for my friend an americano. Coffee is a very delicate beverage and the making thereof should not be taken for granted, you can bitch and scream all you want, but it is not that easy to make a good cup of coffee. I am not interested in evaluating the coffee, because I was there for the food and the quality of coffee or the lack of skills pertaining to the making of coffee was not of my concern just then. All I can say with regards to the coffee is, rather have a soft drink. Who puts milk in an Americano anyway?

So I ordered my burger, the standard with avocado (which is provided on the menu as a ‘topping’), for my friend a standard burger with blue cheese and for my girlfriend a standard with avocado. Wow, was the hunger sinking in at this point! Sipping on my “coffee” and gazing over the people and cars, I awaited my food. I noticed on the menu that the burgers are served on focaccia. I am not fond of burgers that are shit and are compensated for by slapping on a fancy piece of bread. A burger, should after all be a burger.

Mine was late. Uno’s as well as Zalta’s burgers arrived. Unfortunately to my dismay, they were not what I had envisioned. The burgers were flooded! YES, flooded. Flooded with sauce, the toppings were sauces! Bottled sauces I bet. The focaccia, semi-toasted and topped with herbs was exactly what I was afraid of receiving. Uno seemed to enjoy his, but he eats anything. I immediately turned to the owner and requested that my “late” arrival be freed from the suffocation by avocado dip. It was not guacamole. I received mine, minutes later I wanted to reach for greener pastures but I was faced with reality, the reality was that I was hungry and this was what I was going to consume. The mediocre patty fried in basting reminded me of something I once ate at the Spur when I was a kid. It was edible but for two thirds of the price I would have been just as satisfied, if not more so, if I had ordered a burger from Steers. From what I witnessed the sauce had totally destroyed the focaccia on Zalta’s plate, almost consuming it, making it one of its own. It was a burger patty smothered in avocado/bread sauce, don’t forget the basting. I ate just enough to cure my hunger and had resisted the rest, rather easily.

It is obvious from here on out that my very subjective and extreme cynical view on restaurants may not be fair to the industry, but is that not what criticism is all about? Providing exactly that, Criticism?

In fact, I do not even think that it is fair that I deliver my comments on this restaurant just yet, seeing as they are undergoing renovations and that circumstances might not have favoured them, and that circumstances indeed favoured that of negative criticism. Hence, it is vital for you to perceive what I have written in that light. I am sure that this restaurant is also not planning to place itself on the map of gourmet restaurants and will probably tend toward the student lifestyle. Situated next a restaurant such as Wijnhuis with rave reviews, it is a pity. However, Stellenbosch remains a town overwhelmed by students and it best suits economic/financial needs to service the students. Hooray.

Defamation, NO! Opinion, YES!

- Stefano Sessa

Technorati Tags: Altitude, Burgers, Foccacia, Gourmet, Restaurants, Stellenbosch