Java – Stellenbosch

It being a rainy, lazy and dismal sunday we decided to spend our evening at Java in Stellenbosch.

Let’s keep this brief as I don’t believe they should be given enough time…

The burger is priced at R29, which is fairly cheap if you take things into consideration. So one shouldn’t be expected to be presented with something earth shattering. Well, I can deal with not having an earth shattering burger, but to be presented with a re-heated, pre-fabricated chunk of whatchamacallit is a serious no-no to anyone serious about their burger consumption. For some strange reason many places decided to present their customers with Mr Chip chips, you know, the kind that arrives in that ‘bakkie’ with the haunting Mr Chip on the side. I dunno, something about a potato with a personality gives me the creeps. I have stumbled across one myself, but that was when I found the missing potato in the back of our cupboard. It was doing the “I’m a little green alien, watch me spout” act. Mildly entertaining, then it became boring.

Java has always been a place that serves a good cup of atmosphere. They have a great double-thick horlicks and honey milkshake and probably the best people watching space in Stellenbosch (apart from Cafe G.O.1). But that doesn’t pay the rent, and unfortunately they have had to dabble in selling something that gets passed off as food.

The waitress was fairly pleasant, we know her personally so no gripes there. Short, sharp and to the point. No hassling around with pleasantries, except some comments from my side on her recent performance in a play. “Two java burgers please” came the order. And swiftly she was off. After some banter our plates arrived. Perched on half of the fairly good roll, some mauled lettuce and a tomato slice. On the other half, a patty covered in something that had the texture of ox-blood (this coming from a regular ox-slaughterer). Slightly to the side, westward I believe, there was generous heaping of thin chips filled with air, and interspersed with more air. Oh, and some onion rings. In batter.

At first glance nothing noticeably wrong with anything. The sauce (unasked for, and unwanted) cleverly hides the perfectly round, perfectly flat patty that was to be my eternal pet hate. I do not want to eat a pre-fabricated patty. Should I want to do this I can go to Mcdonalds, Steers or any other fast food joint. I can even go to Checkers and buy a similar patty and make it myself. I do not want to eat that though, I want a beef patty that says, “I am beef, hear me Moo”. I do not want emulsifiers, pacifiers, preservatives or any of the other ridiculous chemicals and what-not that is included in pre-fab pattys. Most places can get past me by maybe just mulling the corners around a bit, maybe scrunching the patty up a bit, making it look less homogenous. Java did not even attempt this. It is a burger that is flat, perfectly round and without any character. It does not want my attention. In fact, I probably would not have noticed that it was peering at me if I was not hungry, or if I hadn’t need space for my elbows, which meant I needed to finish the damned thing so they could take my plate away, making space for the body part.

That deals with the burger/patty/frisbee. Java has never been known for its frittes. Today they had not planned on changing anything, except a slight chemical imbalance in my stomach. The chips are Mr Chip chips. Which is fine -maybe- and excusable -to some extent- when you are hungry and when the place is not one of the busiest places in Stellenbosch (ok, there is an argument to be made here, I know). In this case I felt short-changed. Even though I knew that this was what I was going to get, I still felt dissapointed. What strikes me as odd is that I do not recall having such a bad burger experience at Java before. If memory serves me correctly (which hasn’t been a reliable statement lately), previous burgers were of a good nature, slightly solid patty, still mediocre chips. It could have to do with the burger being camera shy, as this was the first time that it was asked to pose. Perhaps the demi-gods of Stellenbosch cuisine had decided that I shall not be on the receiving end of their good faith and I shall be ill-fated and condemned into munching down on chemicals and breadcrumbs, with the odd bite of fresh air just for good measure.

Java is still one of my favourite places to visit though. It has a great atmosphere and for an after-cycle coffee, nothing beats it. The owner has been known to be a bit of an idiot, some friends have had run-ins with him that ended up in him saying “Well, leave. Look how busy it is, I don’t need your business.” That sucks a bit. On the other hand, I’ve had friends who have had pleasant run-ins with the waitresses that ended up in her saying “Well, I’ll leave, but my number is 0824546352.” So it goes both ways. My advice would be to stay away from their burgers. I’ve had a pleasant experience with a pasta before, and the Thai chicken salad always treats me nicely.

All in all, a 4 out of 10, and that’s only for atmosphere.
And that isn’t her real number, so don’t bother.

-Uno De Waal