Altitude, only from drinks.

Late night, talking to strangers, meeting new people, fighting with the ol’ ball and chain, drinking cheaply from your friends bar-tab, playing foosball without seeing the ball. The night nears it’s culminating point and renders you ever-so-restful and mildly inebriated. Burger-pies become a quest and the quest becomes unaccomplished. You settle for a pepper-steak pie and a lengthy conversation in the back seat of a 1995 c-class mercedes benz. The night, instead of culminating, ends quickly. The culminating point was unfortunately only a dream and never materialised. However, the night was large and requires lots of sleep.

Nine hours later and a rather alien feel in your head. It feels like you have been raped by a lightning bolt and the only option is to turn around with your head squashed into your pillow and try to compile memories of the Orgy, o wait! The culminating point was only a dream, I meant, you try to compile memories of your journey to intoxication.

Once regaining the ability to walk, and feel, you suddenly have the urge to devour your best friends leg, imagining a mushroom sauce and potato wedges accompanying the “meal”. You settle for a burger at, Altitude, Stellenbosch.

I have portrayed the mood I was in before ordering my burger from Altitude.

Now, lets get something straight. Burgers are not supposed to be fast food and are not supposed to be viewed as junk food unless you are ordering from a fast food franchise. If a Restaurant claims to have good burgers and are willing to punt them, regardless of the effect it might have on their image, they better make sure it is damn good.
For some reason, many restaurants really think that if you throw potato wedges and slap on a fancy piece of bread, that it would redeem the status of a gourmet burger. This is not the case!!

Let me get to the point and critically detail my experience at altitude, whilst expecting a good burger and seriously in dire need of one.

So, upon arrival I thought “not bad”, the newly extended bar-front with a view overlooking the street was genuinely appealing and is a great place to have a cocktail. It provides for serious people-watching and a relaxing mindset overwhelmed by enormous oak-trees. Cars and bikes buzzing past and students walking. My circumstances called for a coffee, a cafe latte to be precise, for my friend an americano. Coffee is a very delicate beverage and the making thereof should not be taken for granted, you can bitch and scream all you want, but it is not that easy to make a good cup of coffee. I am not interested in evaluating the coffee, because I was there for the food and the quality of coffee or the lack of skills pertaining to the making of coffee was not of my concern just then. All I can say with regards to the coffee is, rather have a soft drink. Who puts milk in an Americano anyway?

So I ordered my burger, the standard with avocado (which is provided on the menu as a ‘topping’), for my friend a standard burger with blue cheese and for my girlfriend a standard with avocado. Wow, was the hunger sinking in at this point! Sipping on my “coffee” and gazing over the people and cars, I awaited my food. I noticed on the menu that the burgers are served on focaccia. I am not fond of burgers that are shit and are compensated for by slapping on a fancy piece of bread. A burger, should after all be a burger.

Mine was late. Uno’s as well as Zalta’s burgers arrived. Unfortunately to my dismay, they were not what I had envisioned. The burgers were flooded! YES, flooded. Flooded with sauce, the toppings were sauces! Bottled sauces I bet. The focaccia, semi-toasted and topped with herbs was exactly what I was afraid of receiving. Uno seemed to enjoy his, but he eats anything. I immediately turned to the owner and requested that my “late” arrival be freed from the suffocation by avocado dip. It was not guacamole. I received mine, minutes later I wanted to reach for greener pastures but I was faced with reality, the reality was that I was hungry and this was what I was going to consume. The mediocre patty fried in basting reminded me of something I once ate at the Spur when I was a kid. It was edible but for two thirds of the price I would have been just as satisfied, if not more so, if I had ordered a burger from Steers. From what I witnessed the sauce had totally destroyed the focaccia on Zalta’s plate, almost consuming it, making it one of its own. It was a burger patty smothered in avocado/bread sauce, don’t forget the basting. I ate just enough to cure my hunger and had resisted the rest, rather easily.

It is obvious from here on out that my very subjective and extreme cynical view on restaurants may not be fair to the industry, but is that not what criticism is all about? Providing exactly that, Criticism?

In fact, I do not even think that it is fair that I deliver my comments on this restaurant just yet, seeing as they are undergoing renovations and that circumstances might not have favoured them, and that circumstances indeed favoured that of negative criticism. Hence, it is vital for you to perceive what I have written in that light. I am sure that this restaurant is also not planning to place itself on the map of gourmet restaurants and will probably tend toward the student lifestyle. Situated next a restaurant such as Wijnhuis with rave reviews, it is a pity. However, Stellenbosch remains a town overwhelmed by students and it best suits economic/financial needs to service the students. Hooray.

Defamation, NO! Opinion, YES!

- Stefano Sessa

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